Twinge

My mind is calm water, suddenly disrupted by something that happened years ago, a split second interaction 4 and a half years ago on a dance floor when I still thought I was safe from these things. And it creates a drop, the rings are like silent screams spreading themselves outwards and to stop them…

Twinge

My mind is a piece of glass untouched by frost, but winter has come and in the air is the threat of chill coming from 3 years ago when my smiles had turned manic and I made him so uncomfortable with my tabooness and lust that he fled and left me alone in the street, drunk and confused. I put my fingers on the glass to protect from the coldness seeping in.

Scratch

My mind is nature before the first footstep. Radiant in its simplicity and calmness, filled with tiny, tiny things that would make you catch your breath in awe. But someone is coming with the same footsteps as she had when she walked with anger and annoyance. She spoke with harsh words in a calm voice of responsibilities and balance.

Sigh

My mind is porcelain skin, covered in pores, thin hairs and freckles. But goosebumps are spreading and to stop it my nails are digging a half moon crescent in because of a memory from a few weeks ago. When I laughed too loudly and said something inane and it didn’t seem like he minded but I keep thinking he did and that I made him uncomfortable with my presence.

Move.

My mind is chaos and waves; wind blowing through wild forests of overgrown ivy and my mind is sharp teeth to screaming, pleading flesh. My mind is manic and rage and lust. And moments of clarity that take my breath away, moments filled with unexplained shame of memories created by these things with claws in my mind that try and take away the beauty in my life, and they push and they drag and they scream “Look! Look at what you are!” and instead of breaking I…

Twinge.

Scratch.

Sigh.

Move. 

6 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Green letters

He got the message from the old pub owner, handing him the bottle green envelope with old hands, fingertips browned by tobacco. Inside the envelope was a folded sheet of paper, cream white and thick. When he opened it, out fell close to fifty paper clouds in different shades of blue and two paper birds in gold. The sheet of paper contained two words in black ink.

“I’m coming”

 

He smiled and picked up the two birds from the table and pinned them to his hat.  

Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

The floating blobs of self-doubt.

-          You’d think we’d be more shook up by the whole ordeal.

Harold settled in to his chair and crossed his legs, there were several sombre faces around him that nodded and murmured amongst themselves.

- But the thing is…

He started while fumbling in his pocket for a lighter, getting one handed to him, he lit his roll up and smiled a quick thank you. The next words fell out at the same time as a cloud of brownish grey smoke.

-           We started doubting that we should be freaked out at all. I mean, so there were these things…orbs, blobs of shimmering colours floating above us, some had thick purple skin and could almost pass as rocks, if rocks could fly.  Others resembled small globes of condensed aurora borealis, shifting so slowly in colour you were never really sure what it looked like. I saw one floating in my window that time and it had the texture of what I always imagined dragon eggs would look. I mean I think I did, or maybe I heard about it. I’m not sure.

He tipped the cigarette ashes into an ashtray and looked about himself, the pub had grown silent as he started talking. Nanny, the resident landlady was sat on the bar, her dirty jeans sparkled with a residue that could be mistaken by fish scales. She smiled at him and urged him on. Harold took a sip of his beer and continued.

-          So anyway, my point was that we were all scared right. But then after coming to the conclusion that in fact we weren’t the only ones seeing these things and weren’t going bonkers, well… Anyway we started talking to each other and the mayor said that, you know, there had been so many books and films about making contact, should we really start screaming and flailing when it finally happened?

A few people chuckled and Harold himself smirked and scratched his three week beard, there was little sign of the 42 year old nervous accountant that used to get a pickles and cheddar roll in his lunch break every day with a diet soda and three cigarettes.

-           Most agreed, but we did drag into question the fact that he had been seen the other day out with his niece blowing bubbles in the park. So there was that. After that we started talking to them, like they were that neighbour you’re straining to keep up a relationship with even though you’re pretty sure he borrowed that thingy that time and hasn’t returned it. But since you can’t remember what it was you sorta let it go. Sorta. So we did our “how do you do”-s and “your nice weather today”. But the thing was that, I’m not sure they could actually produce human noises, or even of any animal I’ve heard, but their …flesh, I suppose, parted and a stream of air travelled through a series of small bubbles coming out as a bass deep hiss saying “Is it?”.

The room shuddered by the vague memory and Harold pause to roll himself another cigarette, someone in the back wiped a tear, someone made a distasteful joke about flesh parting, a fight almost broke out, but Harold coughed and started speaking again.

-          Anyway! …In the beginning you would just shrug and walk away. Alien blobs don’t know anything about spring or nice weather anyway, so you just assumed it was a bit confused about the whole ordeal. I mean, we were. After that everything escalated very quickly. Did we have dinner yesterday? I could have sworn we had pork chops, but even as I looked down on the scraps of food on the leftover plate, I couldn’t be sure. My uncle started taking his medicine in funny ways, and I don’t mean haha funny, 3 tablets after each other and then nothing for days. When I asked him if he was fine he said that he had been to a doctor the other day, or so he thought, he didn’t recall. He died on the morning of the Shimmer Day.

He shook his head and finished his beer, signalling to Nanny for another one. The sun was setting over the smog outside, when the sun was in this angle you could look outside the windows and have it mistaken for something beautiful, all in colours of pink, purples, gold…

-          So we were obviously not sure why they came, and after several attempts of communicating the world leaders got together in a conference room down in the US, because they liked to think they had any sort of say back then, and they said that a sit down with the blobs had been organised. Well, I mean, first of all the blobs couldn’t sit, I think that was their first error, but second, they might have thought about a sit down and arguing for them to please go away, but once they got together they all sorta just wandered about in front of the camera saying that “uhm and yeah… so…uh, I think there was supposed to be cake”.  Someone fired a gun, or at least someone shouted that a gun had been fired. The camera stayed on the entire time but we had difficulty actually focusing on what happened, some of us, I mean I’m still not entirely sure I was watching anything at all or even that I owned a telly.

He sighed and Nanny came to stand behind him, leaning her hands on his shoulders and Harold cleared his throat and looked down on the crumpled pile of papers on the table.

-          There was trampling, fires, chaos and the president was sitting in the corner eating cheesecake claiming that he had the situation under control. When later they retold this story to the press outside, someone said there was a shimmering wall stopping them from going outside, another person said yeah, yeah it must have been. I mean it just had to be the blobs! What else could it have been? There was no explanation to be had, but someone nodded to someone else and the president abandoned his cheese cake to pull himself together long enough to remember that he was the president and he had certain duties to the world.

Harold got up from his chair, stumped his cigarette and looked out over the pub.

-          Or maybe not, maybe someone pulled him in to the room. We had no proof that the blobs were dangerous and no real concentration to talk about, the human race was a caged wild animal that day, and as animals do when backed in a corner we lashed out. We couldn’t prove anything, but to be certain we decided to nuke everything. It might have been a good idea I suppose.

Glasses clinked, tears ran down dusty sparkly cheeks.

-         Today marks the 400th day since the shimmer day.

Harold finished and marked with coal on a sheet of paper. Someone had to gather them all every few days and tell the story, so they remembered and ate and then went out to shovel up the shimmer.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Writing exercise or: The shimmering day of self doubt.

You would think we would have been more shook up by the whole ordeal. But the thing is we started doubting that we should be freaked out at all. I mean, so there were these things of shimmering colours floating above us, some purple in skin others resembled small globes of condensed aurora borealis. I saw one floating in my window that time and it had the texture of what I always imagined dragon eggs would look. I mean I think I did, or maybe I heard about it. I’m not sure.

So anyway, my point was that we were all scared, but then we started talking to each other and the mayor said that, you know, there had been so many books and films about making contact, should we really start screaming and flailing when it finally happened? Most agreed, but we did drag into question the fact that he had been seen the other day out with his niece blowing bubbles in the park. So there was that.

After that we started talking to them, like they were that neighbour you’re straining to keep up a relationship with even though you’re pretty sure he borrowed that thingy that time and hasn’t returned it. But since you can’t remember what it was you sorta let it go. Sorta. So we did our how do you dos and your nice weather today. But all they ever really said was a low, almost like a hissing in bass. “Is it?” and in the beginning you would sorta just shrug and walk away. Alien blobs don’t know anything about spring or nice weather anyway, so you just assumed it was a bit confused about the whole ordeal. I mean, we were.

After that everything escalated very quickly. Did we have dinner yesterday? I could have sworn we had pork chops, but even as I looked down on the scraps of food on the leftover plate, I couldn’t be sure. My uncle started taking his medicine in funny ways, 3 tablets after each other and then nothing for days. When I asked him if he was fine he said that he had been to a doctor the other day, or so he thought, he didn’t recall. He died on the morning of the Shimmer Day.

So we were obviously not sure why they came, and after several attempts of communicating the world leaders got together and said that they had organised a sit down with the blobs. Well, I mean they might have thought about it, but once they got together they all sorta just wandered about in front of the camera saying that “uhm and yeah… so…uh, I think there was supposed to be cake”.  Someone fired a gun, or atleast someone shouted that a gun had been fired, and the camera stayed on the entire time. Trampeling, fires, chaos, the president sitting in the corner eating cheesecake claiming that he had the situation under control.

When later they retold this story to the press outside, someone said there was a shimmering wall stopping them from going outside, another person said yeah, yeah it must have been. I mean it just had to be the blobs! Or maybe not. But to be certain we decided to nuke everything. It might have been a good idea I suppose.

12 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

wednesday

It was Wednesday  7.30 am and they rang the bell. She went to the door and smiled.

“Hel…”

“We’re here with your weekly food delivery, please state your name and security number”

She did with a thin trembling voice, one man nodded to the other and started filling up her cupboard. She saw there was some beer this week.

“Oh, how nice, I love a nice cold lager!”

They didn’t respond.

“I haven’t seen you before, are you new?”

“Ma’am, we’re just doing our job”

“oh… of course”

She sat in her chair and picked up her knittings. She imagined one would ask her what she was knitting and she would exclaim that oh, she didn’t know, it might be a vest, but to be honest she knitted one last time so maybe a pillow cover. He would laugh and say how his grandmother used to knit and she would say in a joking voice that he should shut his mouth, she wasn’t that old yet. They would laugh and stay for coffee.

“That’s all then ma’am”

“oh shut your…oh… ok”

“I’m sorry?”

She shook her head and smiled.

“thank you for coming”

“Just doing our job ma’am”.

It was Thursday 8:19 pm and she was having her second can of lager, humming to some old song she used to sing years ago, she saw one of the neighbour go out with the rubbish, she hurried down the stairs and took up one of her 60 cigarettes.

“evening, evening, such a nice night” she twittered happily to the man and he nodded and smiled blankly “It is indeed, you have yourself a good night Ma’am”.

She smoked half her cigarette, saved the rest for later.

It was Friday 10 am. Her alarm went off and she opened her eyes.

It was Saturday 10 am. Her alarm went off and she opened her eyes.

It was Sunday 10 am. The alarm went off and she opened her eyes. When she stood up to go pee she reached for her robe and a sobbing overtook her, she sat down with her face in her hands and she looked down on her own skin, see through and webbed with blue snake like veins. She called the number again.

“Good morning Ma’am, how may I help?”

“It’s me again, I was wondering… you know, I know I always call and I know I’m probably such a bother!”

“Oh, you’re not a bother at all ma’am, not at all”

“I was wondering if I may have another look into transferring to a facility with pets, the cat one?”

“Oh”

“hello?”

“Oh, yes of course, but as you know, Ma’am, those are very popular and the capacity, I mean we just don’t have enough spaces for everyone”

“I know… I know, but it’s just… I never had a cat, I was always supposed to”. She counted the tears rolling down her cheek and she could hear the sighing in the other end.

“I will have a look in the system for you ma’am, in the meantime I have it on the screen here that you smoke and you like a good wine, lager and some cheese. Maybe… Maybe I can get something nice for you next week?”

“thank you” She was overcome by hiccuping and she hung up. The robe was lying on the floor. She still needed to pee. She looked in the mirror and caught the 8th tear before it fell.

It was Wednesday 7.30 am. The doorbell rang.

Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Humming

I never went outside much to begin with. I’m just that sort of person I suppose, but when I started hearing the whispers during the nights, I guess I got curious and you know what they say about curiosity and the dog, or was it cats? Something… anyway.

The whispers started as early as one am some nights, when I was normally sitting in lotus position on the floor sketching and tipping ashes into ashtrays, humming softly to some tune I’d tried composing for the last 7 years, and I swore the traffic noises was humming the same tune. The next few nights I didn’t put on any music, the humming was insistent.

It started small, ATMs that wouldn’t give me my money, traffic lights that would stay red even after waiting quarter of an hour trying to cross the street. When I tried mentioning it in casual conversations with the neighbour while taking out the rubbish I got cold laughter and offhand comments, they seemed to walk away from me quicker than they should have. I stopped seeing them around.

One morning when I got up way before I should have, I looked out the windows and the neon signs were singing my songs in a mocking tune, the streets where empty.

I don’t go outside much to begin with, I guess that made me easy to track.

Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Spring Awakening II

Something woke up.
With her sore muscles and bright eyes,
Something that shivered when she smiled.
Her teeth gleaming in the mirror and she stretched herself outwards, towards the sunshine barely reaching through the heavy curtains.

Something woke up and at first she touched the spikes lightly with her fingertips,
feeling her way around them while the murmurs and goosebumps crept up her back.
She whispered to the monster in her spine that it was safe and the two of them danced in the red light shining blindingly in her window.  

And her laughter caused the men in suits to walk around her in polite circles.
The vibrations settled in the nape of her neck and after settling down she swayed with the bass of a new day.
She was again hot iron, hard ice and raw nature.
And the waves would not float her away this time. 

Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized