To bake a healing heart.

50gr butter
125 gr sugar.

I’m not doing well lately, I’m shaking when I wake up and I ache through my cup of coffee.
T.S measured his life in coffee spoon and I measure mine in the time it takes,
from coffee until my heart has woken up.

2 eggs
1 tbs flour
1/4 tsp baking powder.

There will be days like these, the days we have to live,
Wednesdays afternoon at 4 pm and fridays at noon.
My hips have started aching like I spend my nights with legs wrapped around your memory.
What a horrid phantom ache to have.

250 gr coconut
two big handfuls of baked almonds.

I don’t take my medication on time and I crouch on the floor cleaning first thing in the morning.
Like I can scrub my heart clean, from your footsteps like I can this floor.
How many more are gonna walk on their heavy heels over the soft of my stomach?
Are there scuff marks on me from where you kissed me?


Melt butter and set aside.

My body has growing marks stretched all over,
when I met you I finally had an appetite for the city, for things dripping,
catching life on my tongue.

Combine eggs and sugar, whisk until fluffy.

You beat yourself up over words I never said and yet you heard,
I clean everything because I thought you would leave if I didn’t.
I think we walked away from something perceived.


Add flour, baking powder, cooled butter and coconut/almonds, mix until a sticky mixture.

There are the days I will have now,
the ones where you’re not here.
Your fingerprints on the mirror have been wiped clean, there are no generic tea bags on the counter.


One heaped table spoon portions that is gently pressed down with a fork makes a good sized cookie.

These are the loves we have,
the sweet pressure of lips on lips on shoulders on laughing faces.
And then there is absence of heart and mind and tongues.
And I stopped drinking coffee and you minded your blood pressure.

bake in the middle of the oven, 200 degrees, 10-12 minutes, until edges are brown.

And when the time comes, eat these in the empty bed.
Moan obscenely.
Lick my fingers clean,
smother them in chocolate.


And when the time comes, share them with someone new.

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Thoughts at closing time

The people who know me now know me as a house cat.
I have blankets, pillows and a space on the floor.
I stretch myself around in the corner of this house,
walking on my tip toes.


But if I go out;
I walk streets up and down, sit in corners that smell like strongly brewed coffee, baked goods, fried things, beer.
I stay until the streets are dark and my nose is red.
I come wandering home after midnight, smile on my face and scarf wrapped around my exhausted body.

But I don’t go out often anymore.
I call it healing, the nest I build around myself.
I call it healing that I’m not kissing every mouth that praise me.

I try not to drink too much, but when I drink.
If I drink I drink until I am the last to leave, until everyone is dropping off with sleep.
Until I can feel my alley cat grin again.
But I don’t go out often anymore.


This city is a well filled with stars and instead of aimlessly grasping I reach out with care,
and I pick up the ones that shines the brightest.
But I am either one or the other, sober or drunk, inside or wandering to where ever I can reach.
And I love you,
I love you like you’re the last beer before closing, like you’re a street with fairy lights and I’m not tired, like you’re the brightest star in this red brick well that is London.
Like you’re healing and I’m tired.
Like forever.

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<3

Now that I have found my one, they say, I will never fall in love again.
They say.
And I laugh because I fall in love so many times every day.
Today I fell in love with a man on the internet talking to me about ideas and theories and I felt the blooming in my chest.
I fell in love with two of my closest friends who most days I want to send 140 characters of “<3” over and over so they too can feel the smiles and lacing fingers over my face.
The stretch of lips over teeth and call of; how are you so wonderful, so dear, so lovely?
I fell in love with an old friend who sent me pictures of his new life and I remembered his hugs were the best, his embraces when I felt powerless were invigorating and I remembered.
And it bloomed in my chest like a fresh start.
I fell in love with my one as he came home, as he kissed me.
I fell in love with three more people before I fell in love with how he slept curled up against me.
Napping in the evening hours while I worked.
Now that I have found my one, they say, you will close your heart like it is precious and only something worn on occasion, they say.
Like the gold watch you got for your 18th birthday that you have never once worn in public and is sat in your mothers house in a box.
They say.
But I wear a crystal I found on the street around my neck and my heart is much the same.
On display, slightly battered, stumbled on by chance;
and one of the most precious things I own.

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Electronic fairytales

You say there is no magic or fairy tales in the world anymore now that our communication has become a series of clicking noises.
Like we have become some sort of oxymoron, hyper electronic primitive bug people.
Clicking into the night to attract likeminded people to touch our bodies.
And I laugh.
Because I see fairytales wherever I turn and I think even if we progress to living on spaceships we will still tell the same tales.
Of women with tails who lure men into the fog, have you ever been in a chatroom at 3 am?
A bit too drunk, a bit too eager and there she is, promising you everything.
But you wake up the next morning, confused and hollow and think she must have stolen something from you.
Dignity, money or perhaps just those hours.
How about the trolls? Those common beasts who are constantly defeated by backhanded logic and burst in the sunlight?
They were never harmless and they do seem to feed on sheep in the countryside too frequently.
Am I loosing you with my train of thought?
Do you think because I prefer my walks on the side of ones and zeroes that I am no longer amazed at the greenery?
Come with me to a world of people who get together telling tales of caution and where young women should not wander.
I think you scoff to much and romanticise and forget that fairy tales were once a mean to an end,
to keep the young at home and the hope up in times of economical failure.
Because even the poorest youngest siblings can go out in the world and make their own, by their own wit defeat the darkness that was threatening to take over their neighbourhood.
You say you see no magic in the world anymore, that we have killed the fairies and the myths.
I say Little Red is a seventeen year old girl from Mingora and she is her own huntsman, her red hood is brilliant, and the moral of the story is still the same.
There are wolfs in our forests, there are trolls in our mountains and the stories are still the same.
Even if you say we should be gathered around a fire instead of a screen to tell them, I say;
the fires are in our hearts and our minds and I think you’ve missed the point of it all.
But come sit down with me, and I’ll tell you a story.

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The ugliness

I started building forts when I was very small, my grandmother had these mattresses that would bend double and two of them created a perfect square when put on their sides, I covered them with a sheet, dragged as many pillows as I could fit inside and sometimes the cat.
I read books, I read books and comics about animals who could talk and I ate my snacks one bite at a time pretending I could live here forever.
That there would be days before anyone came to look for me.
Look how I survive on my own. I say to the cat; lets play wolves, I am lost in the forest and you find me.
But the cat grew tired of my games and just lied there while I skipped around on all fours wild at heart.
I refused to eat dinner, but I had a small pink chair a table for myself that fit my small form inside my room.
Sometimes I dragged the cat’s bowl of fish to the opposite side and sat him down on the chair to dine with me.
I held conversations for hours in small mewls and when it grew dark out I pretended I had claws.

When I was no longer so small I hunched down between library shelves with shakespeare and Ibsen in hand, the library had these small wooden tables with lamps hanging over them, but I preferred to sit on the floor, on the rolled up coat and under my scarf.
I brought pieces of bread and crisps in my bag and I ate small pieces at the time.
I fell in love with Nora and followed her out the door,
I read midsummer nights dreams all over again and pretended again that I was lost in the woods and Oberon and Titania found me.
And Titania gives me fur and lets me stay in her forest for as long as I wish, leaving me fairies to feed me dew and wipe my cheeks.
We decide to stay there, for hours, for years.
But the sun doesn’t shine too long in the winter and I needed to walk home in the snow far away from forests.
And in the darkness I pretended I had sharp teeth.

When I was older than a child, yet younger than a adult I went up to the mountains.
I was being taught how to make myself a small cabin out of snow and ice so I could survive the night.
Along with others I trekked, slowly, so slowly through the snow and the ice to the top.
I stood on a plateau with nothing but snow and mountains on either side of me for miles and remembering fairy tales.
The ones with trolls that takes children to their castle under the mountains.
The ones where I would be slave then queen, then something else entirely and I laughed against the wind.
We dug out small igloos and I dug mine out alone not in groups of three.
Eating my bonfire meals in small bites and thinking, they could take me, I could wander to the mountains while no one saw and live in the forest.
I almost started walking, but crept into my small sleeping area instead, preferring to sit there and read.
When the darkness came upon the camp I heard laughter from the other igloos and I pretended my face had skin of stone.

(He told me I shouldn’t read books like that, I would grow up thinking that is how love was supposed to be.
And when darkness came I pretended I knew what love was supposed to be,
I pretended I had a heart.)
When I was almost an adult I claimed a room for my own near the forest, I paid it with money that were my own and I decorated it in magazine clippings.
But I spent my days on someone else’s sofa and I hoarded her books and read about a girl who were raised by wolves in the forest and dragged into the city.
I closed my eyes and thought I could find her, I could break her out and I could get her to teach me how to run.
But I had a friend who taught me how to run amongst the raindrops and lie quietly on the grass.
I learnt how to want and how to make my own meals that I ate in small bites and to drink peach drinks that tastes like fairy dew.
And once I ran to the forest and I took of my shoes and I thought maybe, maybe I don’t want them to claim me just yet.
Maybe the forest being near my walls was enough.
I talked of Gods and how we create them, I read of devils that control their lust and have forked tongues.
And when it got dark out I crept into bed and I pretended I had horns.

I started building forts when I was very small, with two small mattresses, sheets and pillows.
I walked through libraries as though they were the cities I would come to visit, with a sense of awe and an air of belonging.
There are no mountains or forests here and I am an adult who never grew up, but I read of women who love monsters and I read of fairies who steal them away in the night and I never stop closing my eyes and imagine.
And I imagine a universe where I had choice and love comes not so easily, but are won with wars of words and swords alike.
It is never taken for granted.
I build my forts with sheets on the walls, with shelves of books and tables of papers.
I build the forest in my mind I have big cats and foxes there, I have owls in my trees and bats in the nights,
I have swamps with mushrooms and big murky waters where spiky things live.
I build my space in this house with mugs because I need to cradle in my hand something that is my own,
and I eat my food in big bites but too seldom still.
And when it gets dark, when the moon shines through my window I drag myself to bed and I curl around someone’s spine.
And I pretend I am lost in a forest and they find me, I pretend I spent years with fairies who gave me to trolls who crowned me queen in my own right.
I pretend I have known love that have pierced through physical shields and saved me, I pretend I have run through the wilderness alongside a girl with fur like my own.
I pretend this was my childhood.

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Litany

You need to stop mapping your life by the name of your lovers.
As if you shed your skin and burn everything down whenever you lose one.
As if you can trace yourself back to the beginning with fingertips on different backs;
your lips on different necks.
It’s raining here again and you’re trying to wash away the touch of the last person to climb into your bed at 3 am whispering false litanies and pretending to sacrifice himself at your altar.
But your body is a temple with empty halls and empty rooms and he was not the praying type.
Do not decorate your walls with icons undeserving, do not so easily sink to your knees muttering words of worship,
take no false gods within you and stop,
stop mapping your life by the name of your lovers.
You are not scar tissue in the shape of a woman,
you are not meant to burn and devour senselessly.
It’s raining here again and you have forgotten you left yourself directions not by lovers footsteps,
but by words,
by songs.
And when you find your temple too cold in the winter, we’ll be here.
Come home.

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slide and stumble.

Let me just…
You lie there while I slip into something comfortable.
Denial,
bad coping mechanisms,
and cheap lingerie.

I wear my recovery like perfume,
so I say,
lie back.
Let me just quickly put something on.
I don’t know what you are expecting,
but I’m almost naked and I smell like war.

Let me get ready for this.
I’ll smile and pretend the days will come;
without regret,
without you leaving.
Strip me bare
of illusions,
dreams,
and clothes.

In the end
there is nothing for you here,
I make better love to myself.
At least I don’t flinch at the sight of teeth.

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